2Many DJ's--Push It/No Fun Salt N Pepa and Stooges Save America

No, I'm not dead or anything. Just too much work these days.

Check this out!---In these days of division in American politics it makes perfect sense to me that it would take 2 Belgian DJ's to help bring America together, aka Soulwax. Don't know if they got my Salt n Pepa stuck in my Stooges or my Stooges stuck in my Salt n Pepa. However you see it, it really really works!

How awesome is this? (2manyDjs, Soulwax).



No excuse for my absence. Hopefully when the deluge ends here on the East Coast we won't all have washed away. More posts coming--sooner than later.

Smurfs set to descend on North American Continent--Not enough vaccine to stem an epidemic

If you thought we had enough trouble with climate change, a pimp slapped economy, reality television softening our skulls (i.e., Kardashageddon), monkey wrench shenanigans from our "Grand Old" party politicians, unending movies about superheros.... you might ask yourself, my god, what will befall us next?? We are already praying for rain as policy, what can we pray for next??

Now its Smurfs. And I all prayers will fail us here. The Blue Plague from Belgium is anon.




It's too late for me! Save yourselves!!


It seems to happen every 20 years or so. They suddenly arrive like locusts and suddenly disappear, but for the short term apparently in America there are no natural predators to keep their populations from reaching Malthusian proportions. I think there is a basic aversion to eating blue things in the animal kingdom. Perhaps something happened to them once they arrived here. According to our resident expert on Belgium, Mr Luc Sante, author of the great quasi-autobiographical guide to Belgian culture The Factory of Facts, the Smurfs are a lot cooler and edgier across the pond then here; berets and unfiltered cigarettes probably. I guess something must have been lost in translation. Because Belgians are gigantic cartoon buffs; I went to their Cartoon Museum in Brussels and though I was ignorant of most of what was there, it was a great museum. Certainly Les Schtroumpfs at least sounds kind of dirty. But that will no doubt happen later, with adult entertainers getting blue spray tans.



If you have seen Donnie Darko, you know I am not the only who was on to their devious plot to lower the IQ's of America's children even further than it was thought possible.
Knowing America, the movie will probably be bigger than Transformers.

The secret crunchy ingredient--bones.

I recall that those Cartoons from the 80's were pretty awful, banally dumb fare for kids. (Confession: I actually have a Smurfs Christmas Cd someplace that I break out during the holidays to help ruin Christmas.)





What a horrible language. Obviously J.R.R. Tolkien wasn't the person who developed the speech. They only have about 50 words or so. Smurf is used as a noun, adverb, adjective--it's used as much as we use curses. It's actually much more entertaining to replace Smurf with a curse when you hear the little blue monsters blather on and on. I have to admit I usually root for the bad guy. And the society is so high school. There's no Smurfs named Tony, Aidan, or Hailey. Its Builder Smurf or Brainy Smurf. If there were more characters I'm sure it would be meaner, Overbite Smurf, Morbidly Obese Smurf, or even Deadbeat Dad Smurf. And of course, the fact that they all have the last name hints of inbreeding. Smurfs are basically white trash hobbits.

And we all know the terrible truth about Smurfs if we feed them after midnight or let them get wet. The utter horror.

No Blue Card

So be sure you warn your friends and loved ones before it is too late--you may just save their lives!!!!

Belgium's Elvis Costello Full of Crepe: Plastic Bertrand Scandal

Hula Hula Hula Hula Hula Hula Hula Hula Hoop!

Tell me it ain't so!!! First Milli Vanilli and now this. What a merdestorm! I am reeling. Well maybe not so much. The voice of a generation. I was just going to a little semi-jokey post on this compilation album, when I found out that international recording artist Plastic Bertrand is embroiled in a scandal. It seems that he has admitted that he did not sing on his first four albums, including his international hit Ca Plane Pour Moi (famously sung by Sonic Youth with Pepe Le Pew French lyrics). Apparently a producer and co-author of Ca Plane Pour Moi, Lou Deprijk, was the actual singer. They made a voice comparison of the 1977 recording of Bertrands hit and a version recorded by Deprijk in 2006 and found that the voices were the same. Bertrand later made the admission after initial denials.

Belgium is a wonderful place I visited a few years ago--a great place if you love great beer in all its diverse forms. The best chocolate I have ever eaten was bought at Pierre Marcolini's in Brussels. Gastronomically a great place with the delicious mussels and hearty stews. Fantastic art museums and a country with a real love of cartoons and animation. Bruges is like a city from a fairy tale. In the movie Death Warrant one of my favorite movie scenes of all time Jean Claude Van Damme gets conked in the head with a gigantic wrench after he calls out the main bad guy. Now it just saddens me to see on youtube the video of angry locals tearing down the huge statue of Plastic Bertrand that dominated the Place Royale. Yet their most famous tourist attraction, the commemorative statue of an adolescent Ozzy Osbourne peeing outside the Alamo, still stands defiantly.

Je Sais Bien Que Tu L'Adores--Bambino,Bambino!
Et Qu'elle A De Jolies Yeux-Bambino, Bambino!
Mais Tu Es Trop Jeune Encore--Bambino,Bambino!
Pour Jouere Les Amoureux--Bambino,Bambino!

King of the Divan is a mostly silly anthology of disposable pop, but in light of the current scandal it's not like I feel like this music could be more of a sell-out than it already was. There are a lot of silly novelty songs, and a few good tunes like the aforementioned  CPPM, Bambino and Le Petite Tortillard. Most of the songs run the gamut of marketability from Gallic 16 candles nonsense, sappy ballads, updated 50's music, to dance music and even bad rap-funk.

But if you want to hear Jacques Cousteau, a french language Major Tom, Hula Hoop, or the Abbalike Telephone a Telephone, this is the place to go. Or if you want the rap funk speak of Stop Ou Encore,Sans Amour and Gueule D'Amour or the Gary Numanesque man machine workings of Tout Petite Le Planete. A lot of this fall under the moniker "so appalling it's good, stupefy your friends and family".

On a more serious note, if you want to hear some pretty good french stuff, look for Belgian punks the Kids, the French garage punks The Dogs, Bijou, or Les Thugs (mostly english language) who put out a few records on Sub Pop. If you have an interest in learning a little bit about the country, check out Luc Sante's Factory of Facts. If you like beer, pick up Garrett Oliver's Brewmaster's Table, which has a whole chapter on Belgian beer. And most seriously, my grandfather's brother was killed over in Belgium during WWII in a skirmish prior to the Battle of the Bulge and is buried over there. To this day wonderful people still take care of his grave and other young men who died tragically at that time. And even though I never got to know my uncle, I can only have warm feelings for the people of that country.