Smurfs set to descend on North American Continent--Not enough vaccine to stem an epidemic

If you thought we had enough trouble with climate change, a pimp slapped economy, reality television softening our skulls (i.e., Kardashageddon), monkey wrench shenanigans from our "Grand Old" party politicians, unending movies about superheros.... you might ask yourself, my god, what will befall us next?? We are already praying for rain as policy, what can we pray for next??

Now its Smurfs. And I all prayers will fail us here. The Blue Plague from Belgium is anon.




It's too late for me! Save yourselves!!


It seems to happen every 20 years or so. They suddenly arrive like locusts and suddenly disappear, but for the short term apparently in America there are no natural predators to keep their populations from reaching Malthusian proportions. I think there is a basic aversion to eating blue things in the animal kingdom. Perhaps something happened to them once they arrived here. According to our resident expert on Belgium, Mr Luc Sante, author of the great quasi-autobiographical guide to Belgian culture The Factory of Facts, the Smurfs are a lot cooler and edgier across the pond then here; berets and unfiltered cigarettes probably. I guess something must have been lost in translation. Because Belgians are gigantic cartoon buffs; I went to their Cartoon Museum in Brussels and though I was ignorant of most of what was there, it was a great museum. Certainly Les Schtroumpfs at least sounds kind of dirty. But that will no doubt happen later, with adult entertainers getting blue spray tans.



If you have seen Donnie Darko, you know I am not the only who was on to their devious plot to lower the IQ's of America's children even further than it was thought possible.
Knowing America, the movie will probably be bigger than Transformers.

The secret crunchy ingredient--bones.

I recall that those Cartoons from the 80's were pretty awful, banally dumb fare for kids. (Confession: I actually have a Smurfs Christmas Cd someplace that I break out during the holidays to help ruin Christmas.)





What a horrible language. Obviously J.R.R. Tolkien wasn't the person who developed the speech. They only have about 50 words or so. Smurf is used as a noun, adverb, adjective--it's used as much as we use curses. It's actually much more entertaining to replace Smurf with a curse when you hear the little blue monsters blather on and on. I have to admit I usually root for the bad guy. And the society is so high school. There's no Smurfs named Tony, Aidan, or Hailey. Its Builder Smurf or Brainy Smurf. If there were more characters I'm sure it would be meaner, Overbite Smurf, Morbidly Obese Smurf, or even Deadbeat Dad Smurf. And of course, the fact that they all have the last name hints of inbreeding. Smurfs are basically white trash hobbits.

And we all know the terrible truth about Smurfs if we feed them after midnight or let them get wet. The utter horror.

No Blue Card

So be sure you warn your friends and loved ones before it is too late--you may just save their lives!!!!